My Life is In Your Hands

Six weeks. A month and a half. Forty-six days.One-thousand, one hundred and four hours. However you phrase it, it seems like an eternity. But, eight months ago, nine months felt the same. We're coming down to the wire. I'll be packing to go home, one month from now. I'll have to say goodbye to the dear friends, who have been like family...and that makes the thought of leaving bittersweet.

This past week, I've been thinking alot...maybe too much, as I often do. I've been thinking about my life, and my time. How precious each and every moment really is. Due to the death of a close, family friend, my mind has gone to my grandfather, who at the ripe, old age of 80, has started to talk about going "home," and how much I don't want that to happen. If I could, I'd freeze my time right where it is. With my loved ones in good health, at my young, opportunity-full(yes, new word right there) age of 18, with the rest of my life ahead of me... but obviously, I can't.

Part of my thinking has gone to my hopes and dreams for my life. I've asked myself what it is that I really want to do....and doubted if what I am doing is what I should really be doing, and wondered if maybe, just maybe, I should do something else. What can I say? I'm a dreamer, albeit a naive one.

We all have a picture in mind of what our lives should be. We decide what we should do and how each day should go, but our decisions are usually based on the emotion of the moment, and more times than not, our rash decisions are met with deep regret. THAT is why WE shouldn't be making the decisions.

I've always believed in destiny...more importantly, the creator of destiny. I believe that everything that happens in my life was planned to happen that way, and that everything I do will be orchestrated by the hand of God. The hopeless romantic in me believes that there is just one special person amidst the estimated 7,003,019,800-yes I googled that- people living on this earth, made especially for me.
I've found comfort in the assurance I have in my destiny.

I've already said that I've doubted what I'm currently doing, and even what I now plan to do. I questioned the real reason that I'm here in Cambodia, being a school teacher. Its not something I'd ever thought I'd do, or even wanted to do, so of course I have to ask myself, "Why am I doing it?" I now have the answer.(scroll down)






I don't know.









I have been around this mountain a million and one times. Everytime I try to get ahead of God, I end up frustrated and depressed because I can't see the purpose in what I'm doing or where I'm going. I have become the robber of my own joy. I feel that I need to get the phrase "Carpe Diem" tatooed onto my forehead so every morning when I wake up, I'll remember to "seize the day." I must be a visionary or something, because I live in the future.

So, I don't know. And since I can't see whats in the future, my only option is to look at the past. I remember the time that my deepest desire was to dance again, and God miraculously, out of nowhere provided a full scholarship to an amazing ballet school. I remember when my family was moving, and because of my dad connecting with my best friend from kindergarten's mom, we moved into the perfect house not two weeks later. I think of how God has in one way or the other, answered my prayers and guided my steps. God is faithful.

One of Kirk Franklin's most popular songs, "My Life Is In Your Hands," has literally been on repeat in my head and on my computer this entire week, as well as Brooklyn Tab's,"He's Been Faithful." These songs are reminders of what I already knew in my heart and spirit.

Last night, I was reading Matthew chapter 14, the story of Jesus walking on water and calling Peter to walk with him.
"
²² Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. ²³ After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, ²⁴ and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.


²⁵ Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶ When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.


²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”


²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”


²⁹ “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”


³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”


³² And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. ³³ Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Basically, I've been Peter. I totally get the dudes psychy. He trusted Jesus enough to get out of the boat, but when this huge wind came, he decided that the wind was more powerful than Jesus, who was standing right there with him.

The "winds", or doubts of my heart, have at many times taken presidence over the presence of God.  He's right there in the water with me, but I've often decided that the waves are just too big, and have started to sink.

Why do I doubt? Why, when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is orchestrating everything in my life, do I freak out about the future? Oh, me of little faith.

If you recall the first or second paragraph, I said I was so worried about MY life, and My time, but since when is it mine? When I become selfish and completely focused on myself, I begin to sink. Was I not called to serve? Another reason I love Kirk Franklin's song. "My life is in your hands...No matter what will come my way, my life is in your hands."

If I could just get this straight, half of my problems would be completely eliminated. If I would realize that I'm not going to go through the same things as others, I'd probably start to enjoy my life a whole lot more. My prayer and deepest wish is that this will begin to take root deep down in my heart, and everytime I start to sink, I'll remember that Jesus is right there on the water with me, close enough to touch, and then, no wind will scare me, let alone blow me over. I'm beginning to see that even though some of the things I'm doing aren't the exact picture of what I thought my life would be, they are enabling to use my gifts and all the while, glorify the name of God and further his kingdom, and that is enough for me. So what, I don't know why I'm here, but do you ever know what the puzzle looks like until you put all the pieces together? Uh uh. Cambodia is my first puzzle piece. Silver Ring Thing will be my next...and after that, who knows what. For now, I know that my life is in your hands and I will take courage.<3

Dedicated to Marilyn Clare Carter who always helps me to get my head straight.

Best Friends, New Years, and Silver Rings

It's been an exciting couple of weeks! I have much news to tell.
Late last week, it was officially confirmed that one of my bestest friend's is coming to Cambodia at the end of this month!!! Yep, Miss Victoria Ann Gideon will be here for my last month and a half. How cool is that?! (Random shoutout, Happy Early Birthday, Tt! You've gotten more gorgeous with age. Get ready for the time of your life<3) So yeah, anyways, my lovely lady friend will be here sooner than I think I even realize!
 Less exciting but still exciting, this week was Khmer New Year. Yes, Its in April...not sure why, but I didn't really care what it was for, I got six days off of work/school. I have used these 5- tomorrow is the last day- lovely days to relax. I'm talking real T-L-C<Tammy Loving Care>. I haven't watched this much tv since I was sick for two weeks with Tonsilitis and Rhubella. It's been great, but some good news from home made it 9 million percent better.
I'd like to let you all know that my travel blog will be continuing on after I return to the states. Why, you ask? Because I was accepted to tour with the Silver Ring Thing National Touring Team:] Starting in August, I'll be training for our nine month tour. I'm not sure of the details, but I do know that I'll be traveling all over the states, hence, the continuation of this blog:]

It's really getting down to the wire, now. I think of how soon I'll be leaving(in comparison with the time I've already been here) and I actually find myself getting sad. God has done great things through me and for me here. I don't think I'll be able to fully appreciate the impact that this experience has had on my life until much farther down my road. This is one of the most incredible opportunities that I'll ever have. I'm blown away by God and His hand on my life. I've learned to trust Him, and He'll take you places that you've never imagined. Can I scream?? I'm just so in excited about my life... sounds weird, but its true. Maybe I should say, I'm so excited about what God is doing with my life!

You'll be hearing from me<3

Different. But Same. Same.

It's Sunday. And I'm writing again, exactly one week from my last post, but can I tell you it feels like a couple months, at least. This week was literally jam packed. We sent home our beloved Pastor Mauti, or as I call her, "Ming," after her two month stay on my side of the world. I went to the gym everyday, volunteered to help the international church with their Easter program, taught nine hours a day, and went to the market. I'm glad for this time that I can sit back and reflect on the week.
Today I'm writing from the parking garage of my apartment. My landlord's wife, Seda, is wonderful little gardner and she's transformed what would be like any other parking garage into a flourishing, exotic haven. Two days ago, I came down to this very garage and one of my co-workers who just so happens to live on the floor above me and be from China, was sitting in the garage. She was on her computer watching a movie, so I noticed her before she noticed me. As I was walking out she smiled hugely, and me being the ego freak that I am(sarcasm, people) thought she was smiling at me...only later did I find that she was smiling at her movie. "I'm watching a love story," she said as she giggled. It was then that I realized something about myself, and the world at large.
There are I don't know how many countries in the world and none of them are the same. Each country has its distinct traditions, customs, and beliefs. But even in the vastness of the world and the exentricities of each place, all people are the same. We, humans, may come from different places and believe different things, but we all have the same inborn desires.  We want security, financially and emotionally. We desire knowledge. We hope for love. This is what I realized.
So, as I sit here, I can only wonder if I'm the same as all the other aspiring writers who've poured out their hearts, only to be admired after their respective deaths. If you're there, and reading...why don't you leave a little note. Tell me your perspective.

<3Tammy

Seven Months and Me Time

So today is my seven month "anniversary" of leaving the states. I know, I can't believe it either... but I say that every month. Today, I'm sitting in one of my favorite spots, a quaint, little French/ Belgian restaurant that serves healthy, but tasty, food. As I sit here, I here many languages and see at least 4 different nationalities. I've so appreciated the diversity of travel. I never expected to see all that I have. My mind decided that Cambodia was full of Cambodians. WRONG. I am alone, but because of my own choice. I decided that today was going to be all about me. Being in the mission field, you give and give of yourself but sometimes you forget that YOU are important too. Henceforth, my taking this lovely Sunday afternoon to be 100% selfish....just this once.

 It has been such a whirlwind, surreal, challenging, enlightening, mindblowing journey, thus far. I haven't been able to accurately put into words how I've felt, or changed, or grown, but I know it in my heart. I know from hindsight that A.) nothing is too hard. Nothing is impossible. B.) No one can limit you but you. I guess some people wouldn't expect that these are the things you'd learn in a third world country, but everyone's different, I guess.
When I got here, I had a very limmited viewpoint of the world... as I've already said. I also, apparently, had a very limited viewpoint of my life. I saw the things that I'd done in the past and determined that my future would pretty much be the same. I had predetermined that I was going to feel completely homesick and that this nine months would be a real stretch... but I couldn't have been more wrong. Yes, at times it has been difficult and at times, I've wanted to go home, but it was never to the point that I seriously considered it. I limited myself, my life, when all there really was was a world(at least country) of opportunity.

Each month has meant something different. Month one: "I love it here. I can see myself staying for a long time." Month two: "What was I thinking. There is no way I can stay here for nine months....I want my Mommy!" Month three: "Okay, I've got to just do this. There is no choice. Suck it up, Baby." Month four:" I think I can, I think I can." Month five: "I'm on the downward slope. UGH.. I don't know if I can do this." Month six: "Its six months, already?! I can't believe it. Only three 1/2 more months til I go home! *enter constant waves of excitement.* Month seven. "Wow, the time has really flown. I can't believe there's only two more months until I go home...I'm actually sad. I've built a life here, a good one. It's going to be hard to leave this behind. Home is going to seem so weird. I wonder how much adjusting I'll have to do. Everyone's proabably changed. I'm going to feel like an outsider in my own home. I hope life goes back to normal. I hope I'm able to seemlessly resume where I left. *inward sigh* I'm so torn between sadness and excitement."

I haven't written near as much as I originally wanted...there simply hasn't been time. I want to try to write at least once a week for the rest of my trip...thats only 10 more weeks:DDDDDD

<3Tammy Rose

Oh, Happy April Fools:p